Cowden 2007 - Player Ratings
Player Ratings (in batting order)
1. Tom Allen: 7 runs from this once rapacious opening bat proved disappointing. Hoped to redeem himself with ball, but pouring rain denied him the chance. Seems to have been awarded 5/10 by the team which looks generous, but there's an indecipherable comment about McGuirk in brackets so can only assume it was justified by some excellent wise-cracking.
2. Henry Brace: 16 runs in a majestic innings of hard hitting and luck-riding. It's the serious frown of concentration and meaningful looks at cover from this man whom everyone knows is aiming for cow at every opportunity that give him an edge. 6.5/10 with a point deducted for sharing a towel.
3. Paul Wilkerson: 0 runs off 7 balls, and questions asked about skippering and the pre-match build-up as he never looked comfortable this far up the order. Excelled in fielding practice with serious keenness. Brought no kit at all with him. Astonishing arrogance displayed, even for a surgeon's usual standards. However, snitching on Hollers and debut appearance and rare steak order bonus points brings him up to 7/10.
4. Paul's friend Simon: criticised other Strollers during warm-up. Dropped slip catch. Didn't bowl. Tried to run Jonny A out. Refused to offer lifts in wife's car. Tried to bat again despite skipper's declaration. Nurdled a ton. 6/10.
5. Youngy: 39 runs in highest ever Strollers score and textbook risk-free innings, following captain's instructions to letter. [Something referred to throughout the sheet as “the gloves episode”]; dropped regulation catches, let ball between his legs. Sledged by Len when dropped him. 6.5/10
6. Luke Fletcher: 25 runs. Good declaration and excellent captaincy all round, showing skills that his older brother (and former skipper) would do well to study. Took wicket that wasn't given under controversial circumstances. Showed the umpire-baiting genes did not run down his DNA by accepting decision with good grace. Took a good catch. But poor organisation in run-up to game with bickering between him and Rick as to who was in charge and no White Horse booking. 7/10
7. Alex Finlow: 2 runs and 3 wickets and a ball through the window off his bowling. Showed off huge boots in field with several key stops. Danger man with wicket-taking yorker in first over. Comedy tan. Brought the kit and ran the strollers around ceaselessly in his car (nb Paul's friend Simon). Read lesson at Cowden church. 8/10.
8. Guido: 0 runs with golden duck; fielded well. As skipper Luke Fletcher put it in one of his motivational talks: “legendary enthusiasm for quite frankly a poor cricketer”. 5 including some great PR work in the Fountain after the game.
9: Billy Hodges: 3 runs. Huge enthusiasm shown as well as triggering slow-scoring Strollers batsmen. Great bridge-building in Fountain. Late call-up answered without question. 5/10
10. Macca: 4 runs scored. Selfish running mitigated by first ever off drive. Good with gloves – 2 catches and even appealed once. Missed easy stumping off Jonny A, but could be because of latter's incredible ability to spin the ball and disguise flight. Or not. 6/10
11. Jonny A: 4 not out in a controlled and good-looking knock, despite Hollers' efforts to run him out. Accepted number 11 with good grace and stood in the middle umpiring in drizzle for some time. Opened bowling and took 2 well-deserved wickets. Did not show frustration at Len being dropped 3 times in the same over by the same fielder during his over (Youngy to attend the A Carey Fielding Academy). Bonus point for third consecutive Jaks guest listing (this time with foam party) and for organising dinner. 8.5/10 [written by team nb not me]
Absentee scores
Paddy McGuirk: 9/10 for not turning up, possibly his highest ever Stroller rating. Excellent PR with the opposition in the Fountain by not being there. Subject of considerable discussion in pub with some members of the oppo now refusing to play this fixture. Excellent work in getting under the Cowden skin. By not bowling this year, likely to have been cause of new birth 9 months on as unique contraception method ruled out.
Tom Fletcher: 3/10 showed typical commitment to cause by again not turning up, owing to “diary confusion”. Opposition didn't mention him once or seem aware of who he was.
Rick Bristow: 7/10 – excellent decision by Rick finally to admit his fear and give up his berth to the rather better Paul Wilkerson. As a result, Strollers did not bleed runs throughout opening overs and Len looked ordinary without his rabbit. Top marks for not turning up.
Sun Star Man: Paddy McGuirk for not attending.
Man of the Match: Alex Finlow.
Champagne Moment: Hollers rising again and again as his performance was dissected by his colleagues. A man incapable of learning to keep his mouth shut. Should cause more and more merriment as his player ratings descend.
The match itself was played on a bog in pouring rain. We batted first. Scored quite a few runs. Hollers got a ton. We were carving through them like a knife through butter and had dismissed infamous danger men when rain really came down and match was suspended. Huge PR work done in Fountain but Strollers have a way to go before reputation rehabilitated. Great rare steak and usual Jaks work in foam party.