FCO 2010 - 5th June 2010
It was probably the briefest ever umpiring appearance. Standing at square leg, having lost the toss but been put into bat by the FCO, I watched in disbelief as the Strollers slumped to a new low: 0-3 off the first over. I had to swap the white coat with Maurice as I was batting 7 (though given that we only had 7 players at that point, it had the potential to be higher up the order). Things were so bad, I even consulted former Stroller Tom Fletcher for advice. "Set targets for each batsman of minutes in the middle, not runs," he said, "Bring yourself onto bowl at their tail; oh, and make sure you make at least 20% profit on the kitty."
It wasn't as if the bowling was that good: debutant and Strollers heraldry expert, Aidan Liddle, played a horrible shot trying to scoop a straight one over cow and was skittled. Maurice's eyes lit up as he saw a loose ball sit up and beg him to spank it, and gloved behind. Careye got well down the pitch to one that didn't bounce and was extraordinarily given out LBW by Bristoe - it's not often you can say with confidence from square leg that an elbee shout is not out. Carey was performing before his infant son for the first time, and his desire to score big clearly affected his judgement : th e verbal tirade that followed led to AC being fined a percentage of his missus' chocolate brownies and surely seals the Marc Fletcher this year. Fortunately the next bowler threw down a few wides to enable runs to outscore wickets.
Watching bemused from the other end was Kolpak player Mick Dundee, who set about the bowling with relish along with Macca's mate Tom Maynard, by some factor the best player introduced by Macca to the team. Both rode their luck at times, but a combination of luck, judgement and raw power got the Strollers back in the game, and a possible humiliation within 5 overs was averted.
Dundee gave way to Rick Bristoe, who at least avoided a duck. As Rick walked out, i t was good to see that Carey, calmed by a Tibetan monk specially brought along, raced to the centre at this stage, ready to do his bit for the team by umpiring. The cricketing Bristow brother then also did his bit for the team, by finally turning up - with a coffin circa 1985 - and sparing the Strollers from my batting. The crowd and monk hoped for a Bristoe/Bristow partnership, but Rick, seeing on the boundary yet another (fraternal) nemesis reverted to type, bottled it, and was out, to a superb catch in the gully. His brother looked the part for a while before trying to heave one and a brief cameo from the skipper, followed by the more serious departure of Tom Maynard, gave way to the serious batting of McAndrew, who looked in good nick, and Lowden, who had duck written all over him as he refused to take a guard. The FCO kindly let Liddle bat again, and he duly notched up 7, meaning he averaged 3.5 in just one innings. All out for 141, a score at least 100 better than anticipated after the first over.
As skipper, I take full responsibility for what happened next. I failed to get the famous fielding practice going, meaning that Macca had no opportunity to get out of the system his propensity to miss the ball. 18 byes and a failure to hold a catch in the first over to dismiss the bloke who went on to score a 50 had an impact. The 31 wides didn't help either, and Aussie born combo Dundee and Carey will be undertaking remedial action with the bowling coaches this summer. Grant Lowden bowled well, taking 1-4 off 5 overs. Bristoe looked menacing, beating the bat again and again. And Mike Bristow bowled excellently, despite a damaged knee. Rich Carey fielded in flip flops and camo gear, foxing the enemy by hiding in the long grass.
In retrospect my major tactical error was not to bring myself on to bowl earlier. A misguided sense of obligation to lesser bowlers meant that by the time the Stroller's premier spin bowler came on, it was almost too late. Given the outfield was the length of ready to mow hay, and that Macca was ushering most balls straight through to the boundary, a spell of slow bowling was long overdue. Realising that we needed to continue with slow stuff, I took the momentous decision to reinvent Carey as a leg spinner and bring him on from the other end , to some success .
Despite them having raced away with the Aussie twosome on, we tied them back down and got close. Even when they only needed 12 runs off 3 overs there seemed a chance. Lowden came back on; h i s first three balls went for 9 byes, and the match was lost.
Champagne moment : moving from 0-3 to 1-3 off the 8th ball.
Man of match : Tom "just off to Malaysia for a few years" Maynard
Best cricketing brother : shared by Mike Bristow and Rich Carey
Player ratings :
Dundee, M : 5 : steadied the ship, but got out once in; falsley claimed his bowling "had to be better than Paddy's"; -1 for leaving early and no beers.
Liddle, A : 6 : + 2 for debut and Latin motto , out twice in same innings for 3.5 average, brought WAG to pub, looks a future prospect.
Morris, A : 3 : out for a duck, didn't take gloves from Macca, sparkling in field, fastest stroller, but -1 for speaking in defence during player ratings.
Carey, A : 2 : described by oppo as "the wide machine " ; +1 for introducing new stroller; + 1 for having a son; + 1 for having the guts to reinvent bowling as leggie mid-match ; +1 for unfair dismissal; -1 no t staying for beers .
Maynard,T : 9 : fantastic debut (+1) and big innings; +1 more for being by far the most talented person introduced by Macca to the Strollers; sharp in the field; bought the jugs at the pub.
Bristo e , R : 3 : +1 for putting personal feelings behind him and taking catch of bro's bowling; better than normal batting (2) ; +1 introduced a stroller; bowled well; sixfer as umpire , including appalling decision to give Carey out lbw (and seen wearing new leather jacket after meeting oppo behind pavillion).
Bristow, M : 7 : +2 debut; poor batting; -1 turned up late; bowled better than R ick , with dodgy knee .
Allen, J : 4 : lost toss; didn't select full team or one that arrived on time; didn't bring self onto bowl early enough; out to ugly shot for 4.
Lowden, G : 6 : fantastic bowling; awful batting; good in field; good banter; missed drinks; aggressive t o umpire (but minor compared to Carey) ; late ; brought WAG and child.
McAndrew, D : 2 : dropped 2 catches i nc bloke who got 50; 18 byes (though pitch not perfect) ; ducked at crucial moments rather than stopping byes with head ; slagged off umpire; did appeal for plum lbw; took run-out that was not given; batted at par; took catch; 9 byes at crucial time in last over.
Carey R : 6 : +2 debut; -1 refused to bat; + 1 fielding barefooted; +1 diving stop .
Fletcher, T : 8 : didn't turn up thereby aiding team; -1 pretending to be with pm/delusions of grandeur .