J Allen to Pilot Performance Enhancement Scheme
After close season study of the stats and consultations with a wide range of acclaimed cricketers from across the world, it is with excitement that the Inner and Upper Circles of the Strollers Cricket Club wish to announce their new performance enhancement programme: "marriage". It has become clear that, upon marrying, batsmen average 12.67 runs better and bowlers 17.89 to the good. Strollers CC has therefore determined that one of its star players should pilot this performance enhancement programme. The Club's premier spin bowler, Jonny Allen, has been selected, on the grounds that he had high potential to become the Club's premier all-rounder if the programme worked, and that he was the most attractive and witty non-married Stroller. Strollers Cricket Club believe that they have overcome a number of teething problems in the design stage of this programme which has led to some high-profile failures (Nick Jefferson and Guy Winter retired; Paddy McGuirk saw an already shaky performance nose-dive; Tom Fletcher unable to play more than one match a season). If Allen's form progresses as coaches expect, the programme may be rolled out further, pending suitable candidates
Strollers CC are most grateful to Ms Elizabeth Sleeman for volunteering the role of chief performance coach and a small stipend of danger money will be paid to her in recognition of her sacrifice (so joining the salaried club staff)